Rule 2.2: General Public Restroom Etiquette

When in a public restroom. You must NEVER make eye contact with another guy. It is not decent, and eye contact defiles the sanctity of the public restroom. Eye contact leads to conversation, which is another definite taboo in the sanctity of the male public restroom. Under no circumstances may you make eye-contact with another person (male or female), for whatever reason. If you do, accidentally, make eye-contact for whatever reason, simply do the head nod (ala How I Met Your Mother: simply tilt your head up about 5 – 10° and then back down to the original position) and then return to looking somewhere, anywhere else.

Conversation in a public restroom is also strictly forbidden. Anything that you have to say to another guy in the restroom can be said anywhere else. Especially if you somehow manage to bump into somebody that you know. You shouldn’t be able to recognise them anyway, because you didn’t make eye contact in the first place right?

If you somehow do make eye-contact, accidentally, and after the head nod, if you find that you recognise that person, a BRIEF smile will be more than enough greeting. No handshake, because that would mean physical contact, which is even more taboo than eye-contact or conversation in the restroom.

So, to review:

• No eye contact
• No conversation
• No physical contact

Rule 2.1: Urinal Rules

The public restroom is a sanctuary for both genders. However, while women use them to discuss, plot, strategise and exchange gossip, for men it is quite the opposite: a place to be alone with your thoughts and a place of privacy. There are a lot of sub-rules that fall under the broad category of Rule 2, which I will cover in the next few posts. Today I will cover Rule 2.1, which deals with the urinal.

Rule 2.1: Rule 2.1 refers to the urinals and the acceptable places to stand when using them. Picture time!

Ok so as you can see in our picture above, we’re assuming a row of 7 urinals, which is pretty standard from my experience. Now, when there is nobody using any of them, you may think that it is safe to stand at any of the open ones and finish your business. That is incorrect. When none of the urinals are currently being occupied, you must always start from either side, as the very end. It justs makes sense if you think about it, because the ultimate aim of Rule 2.1 is to stand next to as few guys as possible. So, if all the stands are open, take either number 1 or number 7, either is perfectly acceptable.

If you walk into a public restroom and there is a guy using either number 1 or number 7, your choice is still obvious. If number 1 is being used, use number 7 and vice versa. Again, we’re aiming to stand as far away from other guys as possible., so it really is a no-brainer.

When both numbers 1 and 7 are being occupied, it starts getting more complicated. Using a simpler example of only 5 urinals, and both ends are occupied, your choice is easy once again. Use the middle one, in that way ensuring maximum distance from the guys at either end of the line. In our original 7 stall example, the choice is a little more difficult. Obviously, it would be the best choice to go to stall 4, as that ensures the maximum distance between guys, but then it contravenes common sense which dictates that if another guy arrives, he’s going to have to stand next to ONE guy, which can be avoided by using either stall 3 or 5. In short, if there is a lot of people, you will be better off going to 3 or 5 anyway right from the start, as this will ensure the maximum efficiency from this particular row of urinals.

If numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7 are occupied, then it gets even more tricky. If you really have a problem with shyness, you can also opt for a stall, but if that’s the case you would probably have gone straight there in the first place. No, if all four “safe” urinals are occupied, then you will have to stand next to another guy, or wait for one of them to finish. However, neither of these two alternatives are very attractive, so the ruling is that either is ok.

All of the above rules apply to light to medium venues, and at huge venues with hundreds of people needing to pee, (concerts for example), a whole new set of rules comes into play: essentially every man for himself, leave the stalls open for the first daring women to start a line to use them (Yes I’ve seen it happen), use the first available urinal, keep your eyes at eye level or above, no small talk, no dawdling and don’t be shy: get in there, finish the job and get out.

Of course, in all situations, a guy must never ever look down there at another guy while taking a leak. In fact, while using the urinal, it is best to keep your eyes straight ahead, looking down occasionally when you need to. Never look side to side, or try to strike up a conversation with other guys. Again, keep your head down, mind your own business and finish up.

Ok a few final pointers. Don’t buy into that whole “shake it more than twice and you’re playing with it” crap – feel free to shake it as much (within reasonable limits obviously) as you need to to get all the excess off. Always wash your hands, it’s just gross not to (soap is optional, water is not). Get as much water off your hands as you have patience for, especially with those slow ass air dryers. Your pants will serve as the perfect drying towel for the excess. Always flush after you’re done, again it’s gross not to. Finally, remember to zip up after you’re done.

I think that about covers it for Rule 2.1.

Rule 1: Bros Before Hoes

The very first rule in the book, it is also the most important, and, strangely enough, the most often broken.

Don’t let the name fool you, it is simply called “Bros Before Hoes” because it rhymes and rhyming sounds better than non-rhyming names.

Rule 1 refers, in it’s simplest form, to the fact that your friends should come first before your girlfriend. Because honestly, chances are that you have known your best friends for a lot longer than you have been going out with your girlfriend, and if you are dropping them to go out with your girlfriend, you are breaking Rule 1.

On a deeper level, Rule 1 means that your girlfriend is NOT always right, you don’t always HAVE to take her side and despite what you may think and she may tell you, you CAN make time to see your friends without “neglecting” her.

In summary, Rule 1 means: don’t neglect your friends once you get a girlfriend. And if you do, don’t just return to your friends after you and your girlfriend have broken up and expect everything to be as normal again. Also, if you are spending all your time with your girlfriend and neglecting your friends, don’t try and pass the blame onto them by saying “Oh my friends are drifting away from me because of my relationship”, because most of the time that’s just not right.  From my experience, your friends are probably “drifting away” from you because you are neglecting them.

Most people will totally understand if you are going to see them less than usual when you get a girlfriend – It’s to be expected. But if you totally STOP seeing your friends and spend all your time with your girlfriend, there is a problem.